Sometimes my best is simply getting dressed

I have written this blog numerous times in the past, but have never had the courage to click on that "publish" button.  I have recently felt God leading me to share this part of me, but I don't know how.  Through the messages of 2 different men speaking on Wednesday night at church, God is making it clear that for some reason, I need to open myself up and let you have a deeper look inside the mind of Laura.

I struggle with depression.  I was officially diagnosed a year ago, but I know it's been a battle since my freshman year of high school.  And I know this will be a lifelong battle.

I've had many highs and lows.  And I hide it well.  I can put on that fake smile and present a fake front.  I'm fake a lot of the time.  I'm fake because I don't want you to see the darkness within me; the battle raging on inside my head.  I'm fake because I don't want to bring you down, too.  I don't want to dump my silent war on you.  So I fight....often alone.....to find that joy hidden inside of me so that what I'm faking eventually becomes my reality.

My smile isn't always fake.  My joyous attitude is sometimes genuine.  I try not to lie when people ask how I'm doing...even if I know they're just being polite.  Yes, there are times that I am truly happy.

However, my bad days seem to outnumber the good ones.  Most days, it takes me hours to get dressed.  If I'm in need of a shower, I may not get the energy or will until late afternoon.  There have been times I didn't want to get out of bed and face the day.  If I've done more than the basic necessities of getting dressed and making meals, I'm having an okay day.

Then, there are those moments I feel like I'm drowning in a deep pit of mud inside a dark room without any doors or windows or light at all.  I have even asked God where He is because I feel abandoned.  I have considered taking my own life at times.  I have made plans, written notes, come face to face with the decision of whether to live or die.  I wonder if I will ever feel normal.

God has never abandoned me.  Sometimes I'm too busy dwelling in my own misery that I don't hear Him.  But He's there, whispering His love to me because in Him, I have value.  I all too often listen to Satan's lies.

"You're a failure."
"You can't do anything right."
"Everyone will be better off without you."
"God isn't here.  You are all alone."

And many others.

I finally started seeing a counselor and taking antidepressants last spring.  However, both became too expensive to continue.  But, what I've learned from my counseling sessions has greatly improved my thinking process.

Now, I have accepted that this is a part of who I am.  I don't question why I feel the way I do, I just know something is messed up in my brain.  I'm more aware of when the dark depression is about to consume me.  There is nothing I can do except ask for prayer because only God can keep me from sinking.  I don't stress about what isn't getting done because of my depression.  I do my best everyday, and sometimes my best is simply getting dressed.

God has been showing me Who He is and who I am in Him.  Whenever Satan tries to whisper his lies, I remember what God says.

God found me worthy to die for.  John 3:16  For God so loved the world (me included!), that He gave His only begotten Son.  That whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.

God pursued me and paid for me.  Matthew 13:45-46  Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls,  and upon finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it.

God chose me and made me His own.  1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.

Although this is a daily battle for me, I must choose everyday to trust in God's Word.  I must choose everyday to shut down Satan's lies.  I must choose everyday to live my life the best that I can to bring God glory.  He is the reason I have joy.  He is the reason I continue to live on this earth.  He has very obviously placed me here to serve Him in areas that I could never do on my own.  He is my God.

I don't know why God wants me to share this with you.  It is very difficult to open up about this part of my life.  Perhaps there's someone who is struggling with depression and needs someone to talk to who understands.  Perhaps there's someone who doesn't understand depression and wants to know more.  I'm willing to talk about it.  I want to be honest with my struggles as a sinner saved by the grace of God.  Perhaps there are prayer warriors who will now know how to pray for me.  I thank those who have prayed for me, whether or not you knew my inner battles.  There is power in prayer.... power in talking to the Creator of the universe.  Whatever reason or reasons God wants me to open up and be vulnerable before you, I pray that He is gloried in it.  No matter what darkness I face, God is good all the time.

All the time, God is good.