Letting go

The new year is upon us.  People are making resolutions for the new year.  Goals to work for. Lifestyles to change.  Being a better person.  It's a fresh start.  A clean slate.  Forget the mistakes of the past and move towards a better tomorrow.  Right?

I don't ever plan on making a New Year's resolution, but somehow, I seem to anyway.  A friend of mine in high school would say every year that her New Year's resolution is to not make a New Year's resolution.  It always made me laugh.

My "resolution" for this upcoming year is to let go.  I have battled with discontentment this year.  Well, not just this year, but it has sickened my well-being this year.  It infested me with bitterness and questioning God's plan.

When we moved to Wichita in 2001, our goal was to live here for 5 years and then move to a place more permanent.  Like Wyoming.  We started in an apartment and then bought our first house in Feb. of 2002.  It was a small house, a good starter home.  We only had one kid with hopes of having more.  It was close to where Seth worked which was also where we went to church.  It was convenient for us then.  Guess what.  We're still there.  Not only have we been in Wichita for 10 years, we're still in that small starter home we moved into almost 10 years ago.  We've added a 3rd bedroom in the basement, finished the basement, painted the walls, redid the bathroom, redid the kitchen cabinets, built a deck, all in hopes of making it more buyable.  We have more plans too.  We currently cannot eat in our kitchen/dining area because it's too small and it doesn't fit a family of 5.  Remember, we started in this house as a family of 3.  We need to repaint the walls and replace the living room carpet.  But God hasn't opened any doors for us to move.  And so we wait.

We tried selling the house shortly after A was born.  We wanted to move closer to church - since we switched churches - and into a better school district.  We tried 2 different realtors, but no one could afford our house.  Not that it was priced too high, but the housing market has been awful the last 5 years and selling anything was nearly impossible.  So, we didn't move.  We adjusted to our small house.  This is when we added the 3rd bedroom.

Soon, we clearly saw why God didn't want us to move.  Our neighborhood became full of kids who had never heard about God.  We started by bringing them to AWANA, then to VBS, then some started coming to Sunday School, and more came to VBS.  I became willing to be used of God to reach out to these kids, even though I considered myself "not a kid-person."  But then it became more stressful as each week went by.  I began to dread Sundays.  I felt drained and couldn't possibly push to do more.  I would repeat to myself "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..."  Then, it became obvious that bringing kids to Sunday School was no longer working.  We planted the seeds, opened our home, opened our hearts, but they have rejected the Lord.  We can't force them to want to learn about God.  We can't force them to listen.  They have clearly shown no desire for hearing about God.  All they want to do is play.  So, we decided to end that ministry.  We will still bring them to AWANA if they still wish to go.

Our neighborhood isn't the best place to raise kids.  If you were to ask any Wichita locals what areas of town were bad news, ours would certainly come up.  There are gangs just north and east of us.  I can't let my kids go running around in the neighborhood.  They're limited to our street.  The summer brings out the crime.  We've been robbed twice.  There have been drive-by shootings and domestic violence in our area.  Even murders and beatings.  It's just not a safe place to be.

I'm sure you can all see why I want so badly to move.  Not just out of this small house, but out of this neighborhood.  And to add to those desires, we want to live closer to family - either mine or Seth's.  It's just hard being away from family all the time.  And Seth, he needs his open spaces for hunting.  He was never a city boy.  He doesn't like to be cooped up in the house with "nothing" to do.  I want freedom to go jogging without worrying about what creeps might be lurking about.  I want to let my kids run off and go play without worrying about where they are.  I want to ride bikes as a family in a small-town street, not a busy street with cars flying by.  I want to call up my mom or sister or mother-in-law or sister-in-law and know I will always have a babysitter when I need one.  I do have a sister in town, but she has 2 kids of her own and her own in-laws here as well.  I tend to let her be with her husband's family here and not push to have sister time until we're all together with our family.  I also dream of having a home where I can entertain large groups of people, host guests overnight, and be ready for my kids bringing several friends home after school when they hit those teenage years.  I want my kids to attend a small school where the whole town is involved in the school's activities and my kids have the same opportunities that I did - music, sports, competitions.

My discontentment hit rock bottom just a couple of weeks ago.  I couldn't have been more ready to leave this house and I didn't understand why God hadn't provided a way out yet.  I felt trapped, suffocated, forgotten by God.  Then He brought this thought to mind - how long did Abraham and Sarah have to wait for a son?  My response?  They had to wait several years.  And, yes, they were impatient and tried to make it happen on their own, but it wasn't Your plan.  But You PROMSIED them a son!  Have You even promised us a new home?

Ding ding ding.  He never promised that we would have a new home with open spaces and great for entertaining and hosting overnight guests.  He never promised that my kids could have a similar childhood to that of Seth's or my own.  So, what then?  Do I still live like I'm going to move someday?  How do I live in this house, literally boxing things up waiting for a better place, as if we may never leave?

When we arrived at my parents' house for Christmas, I was unable to sleep.  Which is normal.  But this time, my thoughts were seriously questioning God and what He was doing - or not doing - in my life.  I finally got up to read my Bible.  It had been a while since I had spent some time with Him with all the busyness and illnesses.  (And, I realize busyness isn't an excuse but should be more of a reason to spend some quiet time with the Lord).  I read a few pages of my devotional book, each offering help in the battle I was in.  Then I come to one entitled "Honoring Heart's Desires."  One of the verses given was Psalm 37:4 which I had memorized years ago and called it my life verse for several years.  It says, "Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Then, speaking to God, I said, "I have!!  I've lived in this neighborhood, reached out to the kids even when I didn't want to, I still did as You have asked.  I homeschool my kids because that is what You have called me to do.  I am learning to enjoy being a wife and a mom even though that is never what I wanted.  I am realizing that I may never get to do the job that I feel like I would truly enjoy.  I'm sticking to Your plans and desires, but yet not one of my dreams has been fulfilled!  You still have not given my MY heart's desires!!  When is that ever going to happen?"

Yes, I was angry.  Confused.  I felt like I had done all that He had asked and yet I was not fulfilled.  Silly me.  It's not about me.  It's about Him.  I read on.  "To cultivate a grateful attitude, she will have to deliberately think grateful thoughts to God even though she may not feel like it.  God will do the rest."  I read that several times and even underlined it.  How often am I grateful for the things God has given me?  For the things He has done for me?  I go through days where I am hugely grateful and I thank Him throughout the day for this amazing life.  Then I have those days where somebody else has the greener grass and I wish my life was different.  In those days, I question God's sovereignty.

I continued reading.  "What a wife desires is what she spends time thinking about (for me that would be writing songs professionally or acting), daydreaming about (for me that would be my dream job), planning for (for me that would moving to that perfect house), longing after (for me that would be to serve the Lord with a big house)."  Are these the Lord's desires or just mine?  Then I read this: "What you have your heart set on will make all the difference in the world in your fulfillment and your joy."  I had my heart set on things that couldn't happen right now.  My heart was set on things that were not in God's plan for me right now.  Will they ever happen?  I don't know.  But I realized at this moment, that I had to set my heart on things now, on what the Lord is doing NOW.  And I had to give up my dreams.  Then I cried, mourning for my dreams that may never come true.  Because, now I was ready to live in God's timeframe and His plan for His purpose.  I need to let go.

So, now I have a new outlook on living.  Some of the things I've been putting away for that "someday" that may never happen, I have chosen to get rid of.  I am choosing to let go of my dreams.  I may never be a professional songwriter - but I do get to write songs and sing them in church.  I may never get to act on a professional stage or in a sitcom - but I get to act in our VBS skits that I have written with some of the most amazing people I know!  I may never have my dream job, which right now is performing autopsies, discovering how someone died or who they are - but I get to be at home raising my kids, teaching them about the Lord.  I may never have that perfect house - but no matter what house I have on this earth, it's only temporary.  God is preparing a place for me in heaven.  I may never get to serve large groups of people or host several overnight guests, but I do have a home I can use to serve the Lord in the condition it is in now.

I got the book "The Resolution for Women" for Christmas from my parents.  I've already started reading it and would you believe the first chapter is on contentment?  It's hitting home right where I'm at.  I love how God does that.  My goal, my resolution, for 2012, is to live where I am at without waiting and hoping for something better.  All the dreams that I've been hanging on to, I resolve to let go.