2002 - 10 years after saying goodbye

If you were to ask me what the most difficult year of my life was, I would tell you 2002 without the slightest hesitation.  It was 10 years ago that we said goodbye to 8 family members.  Between February and November of 2002, 8 people from Seth's or my family entered eternity.  Some were expected.  Some were quite shocking.  And my heart breaks as I may not see some of them again.

Uncle Paul

Seth and I were getting ready to move out of our apartment and into the house we live in today.  J was nearly 14 months old.  Before our helpers arrived, Seth received the devastating call from his dad.  Uncle Paul (Seth's dad's brother) was killed in a car accident along with his dog.  I had only met Uncle Paul once in the summer of 2000.  There was an unofficial Harrington reunion.  I finally got to meet Seth's dad's side of the family.  I had a blast with all of them.  I hung out with Uncle Paul as we panned for gold in the creeks.  We all camped out on a mountain side, no bathroom or showers.  We sung and told stories around a campfire.  I will never forget it.  Most of those people I have not seen again.

Virginia

My Grandma had passed away when I was very little.  I have very few memories of her.  My grandpa then remarried to my best friend's grandma, Virginia.  It was a dream come true: my best friend and I would be cousins.  I never called Virginia "Grandma."  It was always "Grandpa and Virginia."  But, I did enjoy being in her family.  My sisters and I would often ride our bike or rollerblade to their house and they would give us popsickles or push-ups for a snack.  Grandpa passed away of a heart attack in 1999 while Seth and I were interning at a camp in New York.  We flew to Iowa for the funeral.  Virginia continued to be a part of our family.  She made sweaters and pot holders and had an entire room in their house dedicated to her work.  I got a phone call in May that she had suddenly passed away.  I went to the school where Seth worked at the time to tell him.  I don't remember if my sister, Lisa, was living here at the time or just visiting.  But we made plans to head to Iowa for the funeral.  It was Memorial Day weekend.

Baby Harrington

Earlier that spring, we found out we were expecting another baby.  It wasn't planned and I wasn't sure if I was ready for another baby already.  J wasn't even a year yet.  Just before Virginia's funeral, I started having problems.  I called my Dr. and he said it was ok to travel to Iowa for the funeral.  My family knew of my situation and were praying for the baby.  My older sister, Sara, announced that she was pregnant with their 1st baby that weekend.  We talked about pregnancy stuff and I liked the idea of being pregnant together with her.  My baby was due about a month before hers.  However, things got much worse after we returned home in Kansas.  We went to the ER and got a sonogram.  The baby was gone.  We took it easy that day.  I don't remember a whole lot, but I think we went to a park and then to the mall where J rode the kid rides in the food court.  Seth was heartbroken.  I was just lost and feeling soooo guilty that I may have had something to do with losing the baby.  At some point (on another day, not sure how much later), I was in excruciating pain.  We went back to the ER.  I received pain meds and the baby came out.  They put the baby in a small casing so we could take it to Idaho and bury it.  I was just 11 weeks along, but the baby was only 9 weeks in size.  We could see the eyes, the stubs of arms and legs.  It was truly fascinating to see an unborn baby up close and in person.  But it was MY baby.  And Seth's baby.  And J's little brother or sister.  I stayed over in the hospital delaying our planned trip to Idaho to see Seth's parents.  First we stopped by Seth's older sister's house not too far from Wichita.  I also remember stopping in Iowa before heading west, but I don't remember why.  We showed my family the baby.  Then we headed to Idaho.  It was several days before we finally went to the cemetary to bury it.  I was just in shock that I had a miscarriage.  It was something that other women had, not me.  Seth was so heartbroken to have lost his baby.  I cried every night for months and carried the guilt for several years.

Uncle Eldon

While in Idaho, I got a call that my great uncle passed away suddenly.  Sudden in that we didn't expect it but yet not a surprise because he was "at that age" so to speak and losing his mind.  He and his wife never had children so they were like a third set of grandparents.  We trick-or-treated at their house and sang "Happy Birthday" to Aunt Helen because her birthday was on Halloween.  They came to our Christmases, too.  His wife died in 1999 while we were in New York and I was unable to return to Iowa for her funeral because I was just there for my grandpa's.  Eldon was my other grandpa's brother.  Since we had not been in Idaho for very long, I chose to stay and miss Eldon's funeral.  We knew that my grandpa was losing a battle to cancer.

Grandpa

I seemed to get daily updates on Grandpa Stowell while I was in Idaho.  I don't remember how long he had cancer, but he was going downhill fast.  Finally, on Father's Day, his battle ended.  We left Idaho earlier than planned and made our way back to Kansas.  We stopped in Wichita, took care of bills, did laundry, took naps, J took a nap at some very generous friends' house, repacked, and headed to Iowa the same day.  Grandpa was an elder in our church.  He enjoyed singing, and even got to sing with Dick Van Dyke.  He played special games with us grandkids like "The Monster Game," and "I've got so and so" and "Little blackbird," and the handkerchief mouse.  He always had his video camera out to capture special grandkid moments.  I still miss him.

Uncle Bill (in the back on the left)

Seth and I had made plans to host a youth trip to Idaho with friends we knew at the camp in Iowa where we worked for a year.  We had gone up to that camp right after Grandpa's funeral and worked for 2 weeks.  J celebrated his first birthday while we were there.  We returned to Kansas for a few weeks and then headed back out to Idaho for the youth group trip.  We explored, and camped, and swam, and hiked.  It was quite fun.  Then my family, after struggling to get a hold of me, finally left a message with Seth's grandma who passed it along to Seth's dad.  I was standing next to him as he relayed the message from his cell phone.  My uncle Bill passed away suddenly.  I could hardly take any more.  He was my mom's sister's husband.  My youngest cousin was only 14 (I think I did my calculations right).  I think this hit my family the hardest that year.  Christmas was already going to be hard without Grandpa, but now my cousins no longer had their dad.  My aunt lost her dad and her husband within weeks.  I cried on Seth's shoulder, wondering why God was allowing all of this, especially Bill.  No one was ready to let him go.  Since we were committed to doing a ministry at the time, we felt we had to finish with that and if it meant missing Bill's funeral, then so be it.  The trip was almost over, however, so there was a possibility of making it back to Iowa in time.  My sister, Lisa, was visiting her fiance in Wichita and she said she would wait for me to take me to Iowa for the funeral.  I told her she didn't have to because we weren't going to rush home.  And we didn't.  We were exhausted from this Idaho trip since it was combined with a ministry which can really wipe a person out.  We took 2 days instead of driving it in one shot.  We arrived at our house late.  Bill's funeral was the next morning.  Lisa was sleeping on our couch.  We got in a few hours of sleep, then Lisa and I (and possibly J, we can't remember for sure) headed to Iowa and arrived at the funeral home before the funeral started.  We changed clothes and then stood in the foyer with the family, talking, and crying.  I remember that even my grandma had a very difficult time at this one.  Specific conversations and faces are forever imprinted in my memory and still bring me to tears.

Uncle Ernie (far left)

The night I heard that Bill had passed away, I crawled into our tent and told Seth there would be 2 more.  This wasn't over.  I was right.  Uncle Ernie, another brother of Grandpa Stowell, passed away suddenly.  He seemed healthy and this certainly caught us all by surprise.  I did not make it back to Iowa this time.  It was October, Seth was working at the school, and we had done enough traveling that year, especially for funerals.  I don't remember a lot about him.  He had his own family.  He came to our church and I loved going up to him when I was a kid and say, "Hi, Ernie!  Where's Burt?"  My family was very weary of losing loved ones at this point.  Going to funerals just seemed routine.

Uncle Gene (in the back, 3rd from the left)

Uncle Gene was my grandpa Cannon's brother.  He had also been battling cancer and so it was no surprise when he lost his battle.  His funeral was in Minnesota.  I only saw him once every other year at the Cannon reunion.  He was quiet and I always got him mixed up with the youngest brother, Don, who had passed away some years earlier.  His wife, Gloria, is so spunky and fun.  She remarried and brought her new family to our last reunion.  The Cannon family may be huge, but we are close and we welcome all new members to the family with open arms.

2002 ended and we could all start a new year, new life, new perspective.  When I felt like I was losing my grip and I clung to the Lord.  He never let go of me.  I don't remember the exact verse that I quoted to myself often throughout the year but it basically said, in everything be thankful.  No matter what was going on in my family that year, I focused on being thankful.  Thanking the Lord that most of us know Him as Savior and we would see some of our loved ones again (if not all).  Thanking the Lord that my immediate family, my husband, and my son, all survived the year.  Thanking the Lord for the new life that God was creating inside of me - daughter K would be born the next summer.  Thanking the Lord that my sister's pregnancy was going well and my sister-in-law's pregnancy was also going well.  Thanking the Lord that in the midst of sadness, we were able to gather in the joyous occasion of a close friend's wedding.  It was a very trying year and we still don't understand why we lost so many.  But we trust in God's perfect plan and timing.

Thank You, Lord, for holding my family close 10 years ago, and for bringing us all closer to You.

"In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  1 Thessalonians 5:18

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials." James 1:2

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort."  2 Corinthians 1:3

Our week in Iowa - with pics!

Ok, as promised, I can now write about our trip to Iowa and post pictures.  I still don't have my laptop but I figured how to put the pictures on a thumb drive so here we go!

This has been an odd winter all around.  Kansas doesn't usually get a lot of snow, but Iowa is usually covered in snow by December.  Not this year.  They were looking like a normal Kansas winter and we were even warmer - in the 60s and 70s even.  So, I wasn't sure if we needed to bring our snow gear up.  Some of my Iowa family said there wouldn't be any snow left by Saturday and others were saying they were expecting more snow on Friday.  Hmmmmm.  We brought it just in case.  And good thing too!!

It DID snow while we were up there.  It wasn't a whole lot, but it was enough for the kids to play in, make snow balls, build a snowman, and even go sledding.

My kids spent the week playing with their cousins.  I recorded some of my parents' home videos onto DVD.  I helped my older sister with the kids and even did some cooking with her.  The 4 of us sisters got together and talked wedding and showers.  I helped with my youngest sister's kids, especially when she was trying to pack so they could come back home to Kansas.  It was a nice relaxing week.  Not a lot of extra family plans - which is what most of our Iowa weekends are filled with.  The guys went hunting all week so we hardly saw them.  Seth had a great time.  I do not have pics of the hunting, however.

Later, we had a birthday party for my nephew and my soon-to-be brother-in-law.  My nephew opened presents then Nate opened his.  Then we had a dance party.  It was a blast.  We taught the kids (and even a couple of the guys) how to do various dances.  Once they caught on, we danced over and over.  The chicken dance, the macarana (I'm sure I spelled that wrong, and don't worry, it was the kids version), the bunny hop, the hand jive, the YMCA - tons of fun!

My youngest sister and her family left on Saturday.  We were hoping to, but we were meeting a guy in Kansas to bring home our puppy.  Seth had been talking to this guy since early December.  He sent us pictures through email and we all picked out the puppy we wanted.  We couldn't wait to meet him (the puppy, that is).  The guy with the puppy couldn't meet us on Saturday so we had to wait until Sunday.

We went to the first meeting at church, said our goodbyes, went back to my older sister's house to pack things up, and we headed out of town at 11:30.  We left Iowa, entered Missouri, and eventually, found ourselves in Kansas on roads we don't normally travel.  Finally, we arrived at the small town of Kansas to meet our puppy.

 Our first meeting.

The kids all said hello.

Then they kept him warm in our van while we finished up business.

Finally, he was ours.  We had our puppy and we could take him home.  Seth kept him warm in his coat while I drove.  He wasn't used to the cold weather we were having.  He was shivering quite a bit, although it was partly out of fear.  We stopped at a Walmart where I ran in and bought a towel to keep him warm and some dog food.  We let him wander around the van for a little bit to get to know us and to take a drink or eat if he needed to.  Then he rode the rest of the way in his crate.

We arrived home around 9:30.  We took his crate inside so he could be warm while we unloaded everything else from the van.  Then, we let him out to get familiar with his new home.  He was very timid at first.  The first couple days he just cuddled with us.

Then he showed us his playful side.

And we finally agreed on a name:

Rambo Chewbacca

Rambo - because he's a little dog fighting a big world.  He "knows" he can take on anything.

Chewbacca - not only does he look like a Wookie, he likes to chew on things.

We are very happy to have Rambo in our family.



A Vacation of Sorts

While my sisters and I did not grow up with a dad who hunted, all 4 of us married (or will marry) a hunter.  This boggles my mom.  How did we 4 girls from a non-hunting family all find hunters to marry?  God had that all planned out.  Because, now every January, the 4 guys get together to go hunting.  And that means a week vacation in Iowa with my family.  :)

Unfortunately, my regular laptop has died.  Or rather, the cord has.  Again.  So pictures will have to wait and I guarantee you that I am just as disappointed as you are, if not more.

We started the trip north on Thursday and arrived at my older sister's house just after midnight.  My kids worked hard in school so that they wouldn't have to do any school while we were in Iowa.  That was fine by me!  Of course, my sister's kids attened school which was practically right across the street.  It's the same school all my sisters and I attended.

My kids were up early to greet their cousins before they left for school.  Seth and Andy, my youngest sister's husband, took off to prepare for their hunting week.  All of the Iowa clan continued with their normal lives as best they could.

For the next week, us Kansas sisters and our families invaded our Iowa family.  The guys hunted, very successfully, I might add.  We sisters did some painting, wedding planning, and keeping our kids entertained and not fighting.  The grandparents enjoyed having us all home - mostly.  ;)  Having 8 kids together for an entire week can get wearisome.  They enjoyed the snow while it lasted, played Grandpa's Wii, and found other toys and games to play with.

My younger sister, who has had a headache for almost 9 years, was not doing well.  Her headache had gotten worse since New Years and was experiencing dizzy spells.  She had an MRI on the Saturday that my youngest sister left to come back home to Kansas.  Her fiance got some hunting in but he really helped out with my sister as she should had little balance to walk.

We had planned on leaving on Saturday as well, but we needed to change those plans.  Since December, we had been talking to a guy in middle-of-nowhere Kansas about getting a puppy.  He couldn't meet us on Saturday, so we had to wait until Sunday.

We went to the first meeting at church and left around 11:30.  We were making great time until we turned off our normal route to pick up our puppy.  We finally arrived in the small town and called the guy with our puppy.  I think it was close to 4:00.  The kids were excited as were Seth and myself.  After losing our rabbit, Sally, we needed a pet we could all call ours - not a specific person's pet.  This puppy belongs to all of us.

I will write more about the puppy when I can post pics.  We arrived home around 9:30.  A trip that normally takes about 6 hours took us a long exhausting 10 hours.  We held the puppy, tried to make him comfortable, unloaded the van, and soon, we all went to bed.  It was a long week, especially for Seth who got up early almost every morning to go hunting.  And we finally had our puppy - who still does not have a name.

Yesterday, we got some things for our puppy and took care of other business.  Today, we try to get back into normal routine.  Although, I still slept in and the kids slept in.  We're learning how to do school with the added responsibility of a puppy.  But we're doing well, I think.  And now it's time for lunch.

I hope to post pics soon so you can see the fun we had in Iowa as well as our newest little family member.

Birthdays

I didn't want to grow up.  As a kid, I wanted to stay a kid.  I wanted to play as a kid.  I didn't want to grow up and have responsibilities.  And then, I did.  I grew up - well, in some ways.

(That's me in the blue with my 3 sisters)

I went to high school.

Went to prom.

Went to college.

Fell in love.

Got engaged.

Got married.

Had 3 children of my own.

Whoa!  I have kids?

Sometimes I just sit and am amazed at how my life turned out.  It happened so fast.  I remember looking out the window as a kid wondering what my life would be like when I was in my 20s.  The 30s seemed so far away, I don't think I got that far in my thinking.  Just yesterday, it seems, I was playing Barbies with my sisters. 

Or I was cruising the square with my friends in high school.  Or I was hanging out at my friends' house several miles away from home, hoping to find an excuse to break curfew - like losing my keys.  Which did happen.  Only because as we were leaving, we were attacked by the guys in the snow and my keys got buried.  Fun times!

And now, I am the mother of 3 children.  I've been married for 13 1/2 years.  I live in a city.  A CITY!  This small town girl never expected that.  Ever.  And today I turn 34 years old.  That's right.  I said it.  I didn't even lie about my age.  I'm in my mid-30s!  Where has the time gone?

I didn't used to think it was a big deal to get older.  I didn't understand why people complained about getting older and having another birthday.  I always said, "You're only as old as you feel."  And to me, I thought I would always feel 20.  Then I turned 25.  That number really changes your perspective on getting older.  I was no longer in my early 20s.  I was right up there knocking on 30.  I was somewhere between a young adult and a regular adult.  25 meant that staying up late and functioning the next day was probably not an option.  25 meant I was no longer considered "fun" and "cool" and "young" by the younger crowd - AKA teens.  25 meant that not only was I old enough to drink, I now LOOKED old enough to drink.  I was quite appalled the first time I was offered alcohol at a restaurant on my birthday.  The only thing that ran through my head was, "You mean I LOOK like I'm at least 21?!?"  Of course, I was older but to actually look old enough just about killed me.

So what.  I'm getting old.  Everybody does.  I have definitely aged in my looks. 

And it really hits me when I see someone from way back when and I notice how they have aged.  It makes me realize that we all are getting old!  Funny thing, though.  As much as I hated it between the ages of 25 and 31, I don't mind now.  I am learning to enjoy my life as it is right now.  I am learning to enjoy my kids in the stages they are in.  I am learning to just love life.  Because this is how God has blessed me.  I may not have wanted children, but God blessed me with 3 absolutely amazing kids.  I may have thought I would have been fine being single, but God blessed me with the absolutely best husband in the world.  I may not have ever seen myself as a stay-at-home mom, let alone a homeschooling mom, but God blessed me with the ability and desire to do so.

34 and still going.  I may be a little slower.  I may be turning into my mother.  I may have my days when I wonder "what if."  But all in all, I am enjoying my life.  And so far, I am enjoying being 34.  Although this minute, right now, 10:01am, is the exact time I was born so I've only been 34 for a few seconds.  I know it will be a great year.  God's blessings are endless.

Letting go

The new year is upon us.  People are making resolutions for the new year.  Goals to work for. Lifestyles to change.  Being a better person.  It's a fresh start.  A clean slate.  Forget the mistakes of the past and move towards a better tomorrow.  Right?

I don't ever plan on making a New Year's resolution, but somehow, I seem to anyway.  A friend of mine in high school would say every year that her New Year's resolution is to not make a New Year's resolution.  It always made me laugh.

My "resolution" for this upcoming year is to let go.  I have battled with discontentment this year.  Well, not just this year, but it has sickened my well-being this year.  It infested me with bitterness and questioning God's plan.

When we moved to Wichita in 2001, our goal was to live here for 5 years and then move to a place more permanent.  Like Wyoming.  We started in an apartment and then bought our first house in Feb. of 2002.  It was a small house, a good starter home.  We only had one kid with hopes of having more.  It was close to where Seth worked which was also where we went to church.  It was convenient for us then.  Guess what.  We're still there.  Not only have we been in Wichita for 10 years, we're still in that small starter home we moved into almost 10 years ago.  We've added a 3rd bedroom in the basement, finished the basement, painted the walls, redid the bathroom, redid the kitchen cabinets, built a deck, all in hopes of making it more buyable.  We have more plans too.  We currently cannot eat in our kitchen/dining area because it's too small and it doesn't fit a family of 5.  Remember, we started in this house as a family of 3.  We need to repaint the walls and replace the living room carpet.  But God hasn't opened any doors for us to move.  And so we wait.

We tried selling the house shortly after A was born.  We wanted to move closer to church - since we switched churches - and into a better school district.  We tried 2 different realtors, but no one could afford our house.  Not that it was priced too high, but the housing market has been awful the last 5 years and selling anything was nearly impossible.  So, we didn't move.  We adjusted to our small house.  This is when we added the 3rd bedroom.

Soon, we clearly saw why God didn't want us to move.  Our neighborhood became full of kids who had never heard about God.  We started by bringing them to AWANA, then to VBS, then some started coming to Sunday School, and more came to VBS.  I became willing to be used of God to reach out to these kids, even though I considered myself "not a kid-person."  But then it became more stressful as each week went by.  I began to dread Sundays.  I felt drained and couldn't possibly push to do more.  I would repeat to myself "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..."  Then, it became obvious that bringing kids to Sunday School was no longer working.  We planted the seeds, opened our home, opened our hearts, but they have rejected the Lord.  We can't force them to want to learn about God.  We can't force them to listen.  They have clearly shown no desire for hearing about God.  All they want to do is play.  So, we decided to end that ministry.  We will still bring them to AWANA if they still wish to go.

Our neighborhood isn't the best place to raise kids.  If you were to ask any Wichita locals what areas of town were bad news, ours would certainly come up.  There are gangs just north and east of us.  I can't let my kids go running around in the neighborhood.  They're limited to our street.  The summer brings out the crime.  We've been robbed twice.  There have been drive-by shootings and domestic violence in our area.  Even murders and beatings.  It's just not a safe place to be.

I'm sure you can all see why I want so badly to move.  Not just out of this small house, but out of this neighborhood.  And to add to those desires, we want to live closer to family - either mine or Seth's.  It's just hard being away from family all the time.  And Seth, he needs his open spaces for hunting.  He was never a city boy.  He doesn't like to be cooped up in the house with "nothing" to do.  I want freedom to go jogging without worrying about what creeps might be lurking about.  I want to let my kids run off and go play without worrying about where they are.  I want to ride bikes as a family in a small-town street, not a busy street with cars flying by.  I want to call up my mom or sister or mother-in-law or sister-in-law and know I will always have a babysitter when I need one.  I do have a sister in town, but she has 2 kids of her own and her own in-laws here as well.  I tend to let her be with her husband's family here and not push to have sister time until we're all together with our family.  I also dream of having a home where I can entertain large groups of people, host guests overnight, and be ready for my kids bringing several friends home after school when they hit those teenage years.  I want my kids to attend a small school where the whole town is involved in the school's activities and my kids have the same opportunities that I did - music, sports, competitions.

My discontentment hit rock bottom just a couple of weeks ago.  I couldn't have been more ready to leave this house and I didn't understand why God hadn't provided a way out yet.  I felt trapped, suffocated, forgotten by God.  Then He brought this thought to mind - how long did Abraham and Sarah have to wait for a son?  My response?  They had to wait several years.  And, yes, they were impatient and tried to make it happen on their own, but it wasn't Your plan.  But You PROMSIED them a son!  Have You even promised us a new home?

Ding ding ding.  He never promised that we would have a new home with open spaces and great for entertaining and hosting overnight guests.  He never promised that my kids could have a similar childhood to that of Seth's or my own.  So, what then?  Do I still live like I'm going to move someday?  How do I live in this house, literally boxing things up waiting for a better place, as if we may never leave?

When we arrived at my parents' house for Christmas, I was unable to sleep.  Which is normal.  But this time, my thoughts were seriously questioning God and what He was doing - or not doing - in my life.  I finally got up to read my Bible.  It had been a while since I had spent some time with Him with all the busyness and illnesses.  (And, I realize busyness isn't an excuse but should be more of a reason to spend some quiet time with the Lord).  I read a few pages of my devotional book, each offering help in the battle I was in.  Then I come to one entitled "Honoring Heart's Desires."  One of the verses given was Psalm 37:4 which I had memorized years ago and called it my life verse for several years.  It says, "Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Then, speaking to God, I said, "I have!!  I've lived in this neighborhood, reached out to the kids even when I didn't want to, I still did as You have asked.  I homeschool my kids because that is what You have called me to do.  I am learning to enjoy being a wife and a mom even though that is never what I wanted.  I am realizing that I may never get to do the job that I feel like I would truly enjoy.  I'm sticking to Your plans and desires, but yet not one of my dreams has been fulfilled!  You still have not given my MY heart's desires!!  When is that ever going to happen?"

Yes, I was angry.  Confused.  I felt like I had done all that He had asked and yet I was not fulfilled.  Silly me.  It's not about me.  It's about Him.  I read on.  "To cultivate a grateful attitude, she will have to deliberately think grateful thoughts to God even though she may not feel like it.  God will do the rest."  I read that several times and even underlined it.  How often am I grateful for the things God has given me?  For the things He has done for me?  I go through days where I am hugely grateful and I thank Him throughout the day for this amazing life.  Then I have those days where somebody else has the greener grass and I wish my life was different.  In those days, I question God's sovereignty.

I continued reading.  "What a wife desires is what she spends time thinking about (for me that would be writing songs professionally or acting), daydreaming about (for me that would be my dream job), planning for (for me that would moving to that perfect house), longing after (for me that would be to serve the Lord with a big house)."  Are these the Lord's desires or just mine?  Then I read this: "What you have your heart set on will make all the difference in the world in your fulfillment and your joy."  I had my heart set on things that couldn't happen right now.  My heart was set on things that were not in God's plan for me right now.  Will they ever happen?  I don't know.  But I realized at this moment, that I had to set my heart on things now, on what the Lord is doing NOW.  And I had to give up my dreams.  Then I cried, mourning for my dreams that may never come true.  Because, now I was ready to live in God's timeframe and His plan for His purpose.  I need to let go.

So, now I have a new outlook on living.  Some of the things I've been putting away for that "someday" that may never happen, I have chosen to get rid of.  I am choosing to let go of my dreams.  I may never be a professional songwriter - but I do get to write songs and sing them in church.  I may never get to act on a professional stage or in a sitcom - but I get to act in our VBS skits that I have written with some of the most amazing people I know!  I may never have my dream job, which right now is performing autopsies, discovering how someone died or who they are - but I get to be at home raising my kids, teaching them about the Lord.  I may never have that perfect house - but no matter what house I have on this earth, it's only temporary.  God is preparing a place for me in heaven.  I may never get to serve large groups of people or host several overnight guests, but I do have a home I can use to serve the Lord in the condition it is in now.

I got the book "The Resolution for Women" for Christmas from my parents.  I've already started reading it and would you believe the first chapter is on contentment?  It's hitting home right where I'm at.  I love how God does that.  My goal, my resolution, for 2012, is to live where I am at without waiting and hoping for something better.  All the dreams that I've been hanging on to, I resolve to let go.

And Baby turns 5

5 years ago, I was pregnant with our youngest.  This was the first time I went passed my due date.  My older 2 were born 2 weeks early so imagine my disappointment when this one didn't follow suit.  I was only a day late according to the last due date given to me, but a week late according to the first due date given to me.  I was in the midst of a huge baby boom.  Almost everyone I knew was having a baby, and many of them due in December.  2 of my friends had their babies a week before I did - and one of them wasn't even due until Feb.

Although I love being pregnant, this pregnancy was a lot more uncomfortable than my other pregnancies.  I would find out why when this one was born.  I don't remember how the day started, but it ended with a nameless baby girl in my arms.

I had already gone in on the 18th with false labor.  I didn't want to do that again.  After making arrangements for the kids - again - and heading to the hospital - again, it was finally the real thing.  However, I wasn't progressing.  At all.  And since my previous birth was a c-section, extra precautions had to be taken.  I didn't want another c-section.  I wanted to experience natural childbirth once more.  But that would not be the case.  As contractions came back-to-back, the baby's heartrate continued to drop.  Its head wasn't quite in position where it needed to be so they couldn't break my water.  Any position that worked for me was worse for the baby.  Finally, they decided we needed another c-section.

We never find out the gender so we only had a boy's name picked out.  We were not able to agree on a girl's name.  And sure enough, it was a girl.  What would we name her?  We knew her middle name and what we would call her, but we didn't know what full first name to use.  As they were putting me back together and cleaning things up, I was told there was so much scar tissue from my last c-section that my uterus had been attached to my abdominal wall.  Well, no wonder my pregnancy was so uncomfortable!  Every time the baby moved, it pulled against my abs and possibly other organs.  And the epidural didn't completely take as I was feeling some sharp pain.  Again, due to the extra scar tissue.

She was 17 inches long and weighed 6lbs 10oz.  She passed the APGAR as far as I can remember.  Nothing drastic there.  But I had to ask if she was a boy or girl and they answered very casually, it's a girl.  She was my littlest baby.

Since we were attempting a VBAC, we had to give birth at the hospital instead of the birth center.  However, the hospital was already full of babies and the only room left was one in the birth center.  Before we could move, baby girl had to maintain her temperature.  But she couldn't.  They put her under a heat lamp to warm her up and shut it off to see if she could stay at that temperature.  I think they had to do this 3 times before she was finally able to keep up her temperature on her own.  Then they wheeled us underground, under the street, and into the birthing center where we finally got settled into recovery.  By this time we had been discussing names and were starting to lean towards one particular name.  Before Seth left, sometime after midnight, we had finally chosen a name and made it official.

The last 5 years have been amazing.  We can't imagine what life would have been like without her.  She brings us such joy everyday.  She's sometimes shy, but other times talkative.  I've been told that she is my mini-me.  Aside from her blue eyes and left-handedness, she is very much like me.  Her favorite animal is the owl and her favorite candy is Whoppers.  I love this because my mom's favorite animal is the owl and my dad's favorite candy is Whoppers.  She walks like her dad and started walking at 8 months!  She loves to sing and dance.  She sings with her sister and plays cars with her brother.  We love her so much!

Can you guess which one is me and which one is A?  :)

 

 

Happy 5th birthday, little A!!!



A Taste of Heaven

I guess I should mention that some of our fun Christmas activities were with our church family.  I love my church family.  We are full of several different talents and we continue to discover new talent, even in people who have been attending Westside Bible Chapel for years!  It's always fun to see God use the many gifts and put them together to bring glory to Himself.  I love seeing God work in our local church.

I mentioned the Christmas program in my last blog.  I was not involved in putting it together except maybe as giving advice or suggestions behind the scenes, especially in the writing of the skit.  I have to say it was probably one of the best Christmas programs I have ever seen.  It not only told the story of Jesus' birth, it also explained why He had to come and His birth was expected.  We heard about Adam and Eve and how their sin infected all of mankind.  God was going to provide a lamb, a pure sinless man, His very own Son, to pay for the sin of the world.  We heard about Noah and how God made a promise to him and we can depend on God's promises.  We saw how the wisemen were searching for the King of the Jews because of the prophecies that told of His birth.  We saw the fear in Mary and Joseph as they first learned of her pregnancy, as they had no place to stay when labor began, and when they heard that Herod wanted to kill Jesus.  We saw the shepherds rejoicing when they saw that the Messiah had finally come.  We saw Simeon and Anna proclaim the long-awaited Savior had finally come.  We saw Elizabeth encourage Mary and rejoice that the Messiah was finally here.  From the first sin in the Garden of Eden, we heard about the need of a Savior and saw the joy when He had come.

That evening, a couple from our church hosted a Christmas party complete with horse and buggy rides.  What a wonderful evening it was!  Just fellowshipping, singing, enjoying each other's company.  This is what heaven will be like.  These times of good fellowship are just a little glimpse of heaven.  What an amazing thought that we would enjoy this kind of fellowship for eternity.  It's the party that never ends.

Thursday, we were invited to go ice skating with another family from church.  A few different families came.  I hadn't gone ice skating since college and only my older 2 had ever gone roller skating.  J caught on quickly and was around the rink on his own from the start.  K had help from several different people around the rink.  A did, too.  K eventually felt more confident on her own but A pretty much clung to a person or the wall.  K ended up with 2 blisters, one on each ankle.  They're still healing.  I helped A around a few times, but also had freedom to go at my own speed.  It was fun for all of us.  Afterwards, we went to the family's home who invited us skating and had a chili supper.  Another great evening of fellowship.  We sang Christmas carols and just had fun together.

This is all just a taste of heaven.