Being a homeschooling family means I am very organized and patient and have it all together, right?
WRONG!!!
I am naturally a messy and lazy person. I am very organized....in my head. But applying that ideal plan to reality is almost always impossible. I never account for how tired I will be, how long it will take to do some things, that children will not follow every guideline exactly how I imagine, or for unexpected distractions. I try. I really do try. But, often, I feel like a miserable failure.
Growing up, I shared a room with 1 of my sisters. Most of the time it was with my older sister. She is the perfect first-born with every first-born quality. I am the second-born. My sister hated that I left a mess in our room. My line of thinking was....if I'm just going to wear the clothes, why bother putting them away? Same with making my bed. I was/am comfortable with my messes. I know what's there and how to find what I need when I need it. It's when somebody moves something from my messes that drives me crazy because then I don't know where anything is!
I was born 2 weeks after my due date. It's no surprise to me that I was born so late. When I'm comfortable, I like to stay put. It takes great effort to move out of my spot.
My mom struggled with me because I guess I was the strong-willed child. Whaaaaat? That one does surprise me a bit. I have very few strong opinions. Mostly because I don't have enough knowledge about some subjects to develop my own opinion. I'm very much a follower. However, when I do have an opinion, I'm very firm on it. I guess I am strong-willed in a way because I have little self discipline when it comes to doing things I don't like. I will do it when I feel like doing it. I can pretty always find something else to do in order to procrastinate what I should be doing. Unless I absolutely have to, I probably won't do something that I don't enjoy.
All of that makes homeschooling all the more challenging. I was never great at keeping our house clean. Even before children, it was very difficult for me. My college dorm room, which I had all to myself, was always a mess except on inspection days or open dorms. Like I said, I am comfortable with my own mess. However, when I had to start picking up after other people, that's when it just became too much for me to handle. I absolutely HATE cleaning up someone else's mess. It is often too overwhelming for me to even start. So, with that struggle constantly hanging over my head, I decided my life just wasn't busy enough. I'm sure most of you have heard the story of how I got started in homeschooling. I was one of those people that said, "I will never homeschool. I don't have the patience to homeschool. There's no way I will be able to teach my strong-willed second-born daughter. I couldn't do it. It's great that others can; it's just not for me." K and I often butted heads. She's like me in many many ways. One exception is the fact that she is a leader. Although it's great for her, it can also make her strong-willed nature more difficult to deal with. I didn't think we could be in the same room all day without killing each other. I have a bit of a short temper (it's a lot better than it used to be!). I didn't think I could handle having my kids with me all. day. long. every. single. day. Obviously, God lead me in a different direction than what I had planned and here I am in my 5th year of homeschooling. Every time I hear someone say things like I had said, I just laugh. Not out loud of course. But I just think, "Yep, I used to say that. You never know."
Let's just think about what many people see as the typical homeschooling family:
Home made clothes. Yeah, like I can sew. I'm not sure if I can even sew on a button, even though my mom has shown me multiple times.
Healthy meals made from scratch. I might do more cooking than some people, but sometimes I go for the fast, easy convenience foods because who has time to cook that much?!?! I try to make sure my kids have fruits and veggies everyday. Try. Doesn't always happen.
Organized place to do school. The first week of school, yes. After that, it's more like find the cleanest room and get to work.
Always ready for company. Not even close. If you came by my house, I would do whatever I needed to do to keep you on the porch and not be able to see the horrendous mess inside. And if you ever walked into my kitchen, you will never want to eat here. This is where my laziness, tiredness, procrastination really kicks in. I come up with a new plan every 3 months or so. It works great in my head, but never in reality. I do honestly become extremely tired by 2:00 no matter what I've been doing, how long I've been up, or how much sleep I've had. By 2:00 I'm searching for some caffeine or a way to nap. Getting anything done after that is not very likely. If the caffeine works, then there's hope.
Well behaved children. Ok, according to outsiders, they are generally well behaved. However, grocery shopping trips can be a nightmare. Or having a daughter who is almost exactly like me - excuses not to work, laziness, procrastination skills....and she plays to my sympathies. If I'm feeling tired, she plays the "I'm too tired" card, and by 2:00, I'm too tired to enforce any rules. My "care-o-meter" is nearly zero. (Thanks, Amanda, for the term care-o-meter.)
Always quiet in church. This makes me laugh. We might be the loudest homeschooling family in our church. This is one of the reasons why we sit in the back. And my kids aren't even that young. Ok, they're not so loud any more, but they can still be distracting....or be very distracted themselves. My youngest usually has books or puzzles. She likes to show us what she's doing or asks how to spell something. My older 2, I'm working to make sure they are listening. That's been a battle that has lasted a few years. I finally told my older daughter that she is not allowed to sit with friends until she can sit and listen every week. She thought after 2 weeks, she would be able to return to her friends. Nope. I told her I wanted her to sit and listen for a year. Then, I could probably trust her to do the same while sitting with friends. J generally doesn't have the opportunity to sit with friends, but keeping him from using his ipod for things other than his Bible has been the issue lately.
Of course homeschooling is not the easy choice. How can I possibly keep up with dishes, meals, errands, house cleaning, laundry, and now a kid in public school, as well as church activities and running my own 31 business and still teach my girls at home? By the grace of God. Some days things get missed. Some days I am just too tired to do it. Some days the girls are uncooperative and I spend more time and energy on discipline that anything else. Some days just don't go as planned. But, when I give each day to God and let Him guide me through the day He's already planned for me, I can handle anything.
Some people might not understand why I am the way I am. God does. He understands that sometimes, I am just too tired to keep going. He understands that sometimes, I have other priorities. He understands that sometimes, I do fail. That's why I have peace. I let God take my days. If I were to attempt my to-do list everyday only to never complete it because other things got in the way, I would drive myself crazy...probably into a deep depression...because I could never live up to my own standards. But God gives me grace. God knows my weaknesses better than anyone. I am so thankful that the only person I have to worry about pleasing is God.